Sometimes, I am thankful I have not had a baby yet.

Not because a day goes by that I don’t beg God to give me a child, but because sometimes I realize just how much better of a pregnancy I will have and how much better of a mother I will be because of the time God has spent making me wait.

Had I gotten pregnant when I first wanted to, I would have had a birth in a hospital, probably with a doctor and all sorts of interventions.  Because I have had all of this time to study birth and different ways of going through it, as well as reading WONDERFUL birth stories, I will have my baby in a birth center, with a midwife, and therefore will probably not have any interventions and have an easier time breastfeeding. 

Today I realized that although I have always been a Christian and believed in God and know Jesus is my savior, I have recently began reading my Bible every morning, and made a commitment to going to church at least once a week, preferably more.  I know that by putting God first and making him the center of my life, I will be a better mother and raise my children to be better people. 

Obviously God has a plan, and I just don’t know it, but every so often I realize just a little bit of his plan.  Also, all the waiting while trying to make a baby is going to teach me a lot of patience for when I do get pregnant and have children.

On another note, last night I had a weird dream, most of which I don’t remember but I do remember having a little baby girl with me and being really happy and saying to her “I made you!”.  It was pretty awesome and I can’t wait until that part of my dream comes true.

The Hardest Advice to Follow is…

Just stop trying and you’ll get pregnant.

I don’t know HOW to stop trying!  Even when I try to ignore my cycle, I find myself examining my cervical mucus, counting cycle days to find out how many days until I will be late, and above all begging God for a baby. 

I am pathetic, I can’t even avoid the baby section at my local Wal-Mart.  I am registered at any place that allows registries, cause it’s the only baby “shopping” I can do.  My friend (who is also having trouble getting pregnant) and I made a day trip up to Babies R Us just to register and see all the wonderful baby stuff. 

I know that I should not be so obsessed, but I don’t know what will take the wish for a baby out of my soul.  Other than having one of course.  🙂

Explaining my lack of children…

I just realized that I began all of my posts with “So”.  Apparently creativity is not my strong point.  With that in mind I will attempt to start this post off in a different way.

Yesterday I realized that in a few years, EVERYONE will be asking me why I don’t have kids, or at least if I have kids.  That means that I will probably be explaining that God didn’t see fit to bless me with children to anyone that happens to speak to me, even if they don’t care. 

I don’t intend to be judgemental, but sometimes I am.  When people don’t have children, I figure they are either really lazy, really selfish, really materialistic or some combination of the three.  That is not a fair statement, because some people can’t have kids, but the only people who have ever talked about NOT wanting kids say that its too much work, or that they like to have nice things.  Or nuns/priests, but thats a different story altogether.  I do NOT want people to assume I am lazy and selfish, so I will instead have everyone assuming (knowing?) that I am mentally unstable, because I am telling them all about my infertility even though they didn’t ask…

Yes, in fact I am the jealous type!

So last Sunday my friend texts me to let me know that she is pregnant.  AGAIN.  She texted me before I was even up in the morning (which seeing as how I sleep until 11 am most mornings is not hard to do).  I know that a baby is a gift from God and wonderful.  Thats why I want one so bad!  But why do some people get more gifts than others?

My friend went of birth control at the same time I did, and although I will say that her husband was a much more willing participant then mine in the beginning, she is going to have two children before I can even pop out one. 

Plus getting this text at the beginning of my day made my husband’s life miserable as I was very, very, shall we say unpleasant, for the entire day.  Poor guy.

I did text her back telling her it was awesome and congratulations, because it is awesome, just not for me!

My Plan of Action

So I am going all out this month.  Well for me anyway. 

My new regimen of vitamins/herbs/supplements consists of:

Vitex, Evening Primrose Oil, and Progesterone Cream, each of which is used at different times of my cycle so it could get confusing. 

My period is going to start by the 12th (I know this because my body has a disgusting habit of spotting for 2-5 days before my period actually starts).  But at least I can start using my new stuff! 

I am also going to see if I can find Pre-seed at the ONE pharmacy in town that supposedly sells it, and use the Instead cups after we “do the deed”.  I will say the Instead cups are really gross to put in, but hey anything to help right?

I can’t make a baby, but I can make a blog!

So I spend WAY too much time on the internet.  Why not put it to some good use, or at least pretend to?

Here is my story, boring though it may be!

I am 23 years old and have been married for 3 years and 5 months.  For 2 years and 8 months I have been off of birth control, and for the last year my husband and I have attempted to make a baby!  I was attempting to make a baby from when I got off of birth control, but my husband was making it difficult. 

Now I am getting desperate as I am now officially one of the “infertile”.  I am buying anything the health food store sells that might get me pregnant.  Could be interesting.

Thanks for reading my super boring story, and I will add new post as the thoughts come to me!